When relationships don’t work out, we are advised to leave them just like habits. If smoking is bad for our health, we are advised to quit it. In the event that jobs take a toll on our mental health, we quit them too because we should be the masters of our own lives so why not toxic parent relationships? Whether we like to admit to it or not, having an unhealthy relationship with your parents or guardians is one of the most heartbreaking things that could ever happen to anyone.
It could be silent treatment and guilt-tripping when they don’t get their way. Maybe your parents remind you of how much they have spent raising you to bend you to their will. Anger outbursts and sometimes physical abuse to get you to “listen”. Some of them even remind us that we are not good enough and use hurtful words that mean to undermine our self-esteem. This is to keep us under their thumb where you can stay “controlled”.
Parents can also attach unrealistic expectations to their children’s growth which makes them feel inadequate in the long run. Comparison is not okay, I am not supposed to turn out like your elder sister’s daughter. This is all toxic and eventually, the child suffers psychological abuse that can cause mental health illnesses like anxiety and depression. These can affect the quality of life unless one gets on top of the situation.
I speak for most African children when I say that these unhealthy relationships have been normalized and we can’t even speak up because of counterarguments like “somebody else has it worse” or “You could have grown without parents hence would have suffered even more.” Worst of all therapy is frowned upon because it’s for crazy, weak people or addicts.
So I say, we speak up for ourselves, it’s not disrespectful to say how your parents’ behavior affects you. Create boundaries between you and them, make your own choices despite what they think, don’t live under the weight of their expectations.
You are allowed to become independent and if you make mistakes, that’s okay, at least you have discovered another way to fail so you will grow from it. Avoid situations that make you feel like you are not enough because you are only as strong as you let yourself be at the end of the day. So if living with your parents doesn’t give you peace, it’s okay to move out. You are not abandoning them, you are being there for yourself, putting your mental health before anyone else. If they don’t see how their behavior affects you, it is okay to
cut off communication and break up with your parents before it starts to affect your way of life.
It’s up to us to change the narrative. We are not our parents. We have got to be better. Parents are supposed to unconditionally love their children. They are supposed to listen to them and support their decisions even when they feel like it’s not in their best interest. Just because I’m not the doctor you envisioned me to be doesn’t make me less worthy of your love and support.
Parents should provide for their children not because they expect it back in return when they are elderly but because they love their children and want them to have the best of everything. Parents shouldn’t stop protecting and guiding us when we decide to take a path that they think is not identical to what they planned for us. They should listen, trust, hear and respect their children as much as they want it reciprocated.
Parents are supposed to be the constant, our safe space when adulting gets too hard, we should be able to fall back on them without the fear of being ridiculed. We can only learn so much from the wrong done to us.